“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
– Nelson Mandela
Imagine this: You’re sitting in a meeting, and a comment from a colleague takes you back to that moment, months ago, when they took credit for your work. It stings, still fresh, like it happened yesterday. You’ve tried to let it go, saying you’re over it, but every interaction with them is tainted by the memory. It’s a heavy chain of resentment you drag into every team project, and it’s exhausting.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
– Lewis B. Smedes, expert on forgiveness and reconciliation
Forgiveness is a concept often reserved for personal relationships, but what about at work? The pain of hanging onto past slights and tragedies between colleagues can be corrosive, not just to our own mental health but to the fabric of our teams. It can block the clear view we need to trust ourselves and others in making decisions.
But forgiveness at work is frequently mischaracterized. We’re told to “just get over it,” yet this rarely works. It’s akin to repainting a wall with peeling paint without scraping off the old layers – it’s a temporary fix that doesn’t address the underlying issue.
Real forgiveness is not repression; it’s a process. It’s not about forgetting; it’s about choosing to release the grip of the past. And it’s certainly not weakness; it’s a strategic move towards personal and professional empowerment.
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As I often say, “The way out is through.” Right through the mess you don’t want to deal with. Working around it keeps you next to it constantly. Ugh. That is not the best answer. Let’s break down the stages of forgiveness outlined by Vishen Lakhiani of Mindvalley (slightly revised), and see how we can apply them in our workplaces.
- Identify the Subject and the Event: Start by pinpointing who and what you need to forgive. Is it a colleague, a boss, or perhaps yourself? And what was the event? Be specific. This step isn’t about reliving the pain; it’s about recognizing the origin of the wound.
- Create the Space: Designate a mental or physical space where you can engage in this process. It might be a quiet room, a peaceful corner of your mind, or even a time in your schedule dedicated to reflection.
- Feel It, Then Stop: Allow yourself to feel the anger and pain, but only for a moment. One to two minutes should suffice. This isn’t about wallowing; it’s about acknowledging.
- Read the Charge: Acknowledge the feelings associated with the event. Write them down if it helps. What are you holding onto? Is it anger, disappointment, betrayal? Here, Marshal Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication comes into play. It’s a practice that emphasizes compassion and understanding in conversations. It involves expressing your own needs clearly, without blame or criticism, and empathizing with the needs of others. When “reading the charge,” do so with the intent to understand and communicate your feelings without projecting hostility or fault. It’s about owning your feelings and the impact of the event on you, rather than attributing intent or staying stuck in victimhood. Here are the simple stages of Rosenberg’s model, which in the workplace I call “Non-Threatening Communication:”
- Observe what has occurred specifically
- Identify the feeling you are having about that event or circumstance
- Describe your need or desire
- Make a request – What do you need or wish for that help you?
- Review all of this with the person you need to forgive
- The Lesson Learned: Ask yourself, what has this experience taught you? How has it made you stronger or more aware? There’s a hidden gem in most painful experiences – find it.
- Understanding the Why: Consider the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can explain it. Why might they have acted that way? What pain might they have been experiencing?
- Empathy Without Excuses: Try to see the situation through the other person’s eyes. This isn’t about justifying their actions but about seeking to understand the human behind them.
- Forgive into Love: In your mind, hug the person you’re forgiving. This may feel impossible at first. Start with the simpler, less charged events and work your way up. Remember, this step is for you, not them. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment.
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Forgiving yourself is equally important. Imagine being the older, wiser sibling to your younger self. Offer the compassion to yourself that you would to a sibling who made a mistake.
This process isn’t for the wrongdoer; it’s for you. It’s a release from a self-imposed prison. Forgiveness at work is about more than just feeling better; it’s about functioning better. It can lead to improved mental health, clearer vision, and trust—both in yourself and in your ability to invest trust wisely in others. It’s an essential corporate value that should be talked about and practiced.
To lead by example, whether you’re a manager or not, is to understand the importance of processing disconnects and damage. It’s not about a grand gesture, but a series of small, consistent actions. By showing forgiveness, you open the door for others to do the same.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi
In practice, forgiveness at work might look like seeking to understand a colleague’s perspective, offering support when they are struggling, or simply choosing not to spread gossip or negativity. It’s about building a culture where people feel safe to be human, to err, and to grow.
By embracing real forgiveness, you lead the charge toward a healthier, more productive work environment. Remember, the way out of being stuck in a cycle of misunderstanding and unforgiveness is straight through the heart of the issue. When we forgive, we don’t change the past, but we do change the future.
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” – Lily Tomlin
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